Joelle K. Jay

Adaptive Leadership

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Why You Need To Stop Over-apologizing In The Workplace

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  • “I’m sorry I’m late!” 
  • “I’m so sorry to ask you for this.”
  • “I’m sorry I’m not as prepared as I would like to be.”

How many times have you started a sentence with an apology?

For some people, it’s multiple times a day – often without even noticing. Unconsciously, those of us who over-apologize can be weakening our power. Becoming more aware of what for many has simply become a habit can help them gain a more influential communication style, a stronger executive presence, and more respect from the people around us.

Now, let’s acknowledge that a sincere apology holds a special place in our relationships. And even the off-handed “so sorry” (“Sorry to interrupt – I know you’re busy!”) is often merely intended to be polite and kind. But it doesn’t always work in a business setting.

Often I will hear a leader says something like this to a team member:

“I am so sorry to ask you this, but we really need someone to take on this project, and it’s a big one. It might be kind of a challenge, but we really need to impress this client.”

The intent of the leader here may be to connect personally. The leader means, “I know you weren’t expecting this, but I trust you, and you’re the best person for this job.” But the impact may not be what s/he wanted professionally. The team member hears, “She’s apologizing; she doesn’t feel strongly about this and in fact may feel guilty. I’m going to push back on this.” In a business setting, apologizing as a form of communication can come across differently than it may between friends.

Believe it or not, through no intention of your own, starting an ask with an apology may sound insecure, not very convincing, and even a little whiny, and ultimately you’re not going to get the “yes” you’re looking for.

There are three elements of that communication style that are a problem.

  1. The apology itself. In a business setting, “I’m sorry” can immediately put you into a smaller role, suggesting you have done something wrong that you have to apologize for. More often than not, you do not have anything to apologize for, so choose another approach. Raise your awareness of the overuse of the phrase even for one day and you’ll feel the difference!
  2. The explanation. Whatever follows an unnecessary apology invariably is diminished by the apology itself. “I’m sorry, I really would have liked to get this into better shape for you before sharing it” emphasizes that what you’re delivering isn’t very good. Try owning the deliverable just as it is, knowing that it – and you – are fine and valuable as is.
  3. The implication. Between the apology and the explanation lies one more problem: the emotional tone. When you apologize unnecessarily, others get the sense that you think they feel bad, and/or that you feel bad, and so the feeling is…bad.

Let’s see what happens if we rephrase the apology above, ridding ourselves of this apologetic baggage. How about if instead of saying this:

“I am so sorry to ask you this, but we really need someone to take on this project, and it’s a big one. It might be kind of a challenge, but we really need to impress this client.”

…our team leader instead said this?

“Would you please lead our next project? We really need to impress our client, and you have the right skills and talent to do is.”

Now s/he is asking directly, with courage and self-confidence, for something of importance from someone she respects. The apology is gone, the explanation is clear, and the implication is that the leader expects the best – a delivery that leaves the leader and the team member feeling powerful and ready to succeed.

Again, please don’t misunderstand me – many a sincere apology has healed a relationship and righted a wrong, and it should be a valuable communication tool in the right setting. Just save those apologies for when you need them.

In the meantime, without the unconscious or unnecessary apologies…you’ll be communicating like the leader you are.For more ways to improve your power as a leader, and create new advantages for yourself and your company, see Joelle’s book: The New Advantage.

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Break Through the Bias: Raising Awareness of Gender Bias in your Organization

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With the #MeToo movement sweeping the nation, women are exposing a daily reality that until now has been either hidden or ignored: Women are affected by bias at every level of an organization. They may not always recognize it, address it or respond to it appropriately, and they can be stopped by it and feel powerless to change it. So they are impacted, sometimes in very serious ways.

As a result, in addition to the psychological reactions to sexual harassment (depression, anxiety, anger, powerlessness, guilt) and the physiological reactions (headaches, sleep disturbances, nightmares), the career-related effects can halt the ability to succeed. They include:

  • Decreased job satisfaction
  • Unfavorable performance evaluations
  • Loss of job or promotion
  • Drop in performance due to stress
  • Absenteeism
  • Withdrawal from work
  • Change in career goals.

It’s not just women who are affected. Their companies are hurt, too.

In addition to the ethical responsibility of addressing discrimination and protecting employees from harm, corporate leaders have every reason to ensure bias doesn’t hurt the business.

Discrimination has been shown to contribute to:

  • poor communication between staff,
  • faulty decision-making,
  • reduced productivity,
  • decreased organizational citizenship behavior,
  • reduced employee commitment,
  • depleted motivation, and
  • increased turnover.

Considering all of the above, not to mention the billions of dollars companies invest in leadership programs and initiatives for women, the cost of allowing discrimination to continue is too high a price to pay. When it comes to fighting discrimination, women can’t do this alone. Men need to champion women, too.

Companies and their leaders can learn to identify and address bias in their leaders, employees, systems, policies, processes, practices and culture. Whether we’re talking about institutionalized bias, paternalistic discrimination, or plain old bad behavior, a little education goes a long way – and so does a culture of intolerance. Companies that address this well develop a reputation internally and/or externally for being a great place for women to work. Meanwhile, for women, the awareness advantage is the ability to be able to prevent bias if we can or handle it when we can’t.

One primary reason people don’t address bias is because they’re not conscious of it. The other reason people don’t address bias is that they don’t know how. For best practices on how to achieve awareness, and how women can advance themselves and become better leaders, working with men to eliminate gender bias, get your free Executive Summary of my book with Howard Morgan, The New Advantage: How Women in Leadership Can Create Win-Wins for Their Companies and Themselves.

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The Key To Purposeful Networking

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I recently attended the Silicon Valley Business Journal’s 10th Annual Women of Influence event – an evening I was excited about and pleased to be a part of. When one of my clients asked me where I was going that evening, I heard myself saying I “had a networking event.” She groaned and rolled her eyes. It startled me, because her reaction was so counter to how I felt: enthusiastic and inspired. It caused me to rethink the word “networking” and our associations with it – something we may all want to do if we value relationships as an important part of leadership.

Networking has developed a negative connotation, but for leaders who want to be active, engaged and advancing in their careers, it’s worth understanding how it can be viewed as not just essential, but exiting.

First let’s explore why networking has become problematic. Many people see it as too transactional. Others find it to be a waste of time, boring, time consuming, or overly political.

But networking is also a doorway to new relationships, new opportunities, and endless possibilities. So, how do leaders make better use of networking to make sure it’s time well spent?

First, we’ll need to change our perspective. One way to do that is to redefine networking. You might even give it a new name – one that appeals to you and motivates you. For instance, above I used the shortcut explanation to my client that I “had a networking event,” but that’s not how I viewed the evening at all. I saw it as an opportunity to meet people I enjoyed working with in person, spend time with them, and celebrate the successful leaders at being honored at the event. I could have shared that instead. It would have been more accurate than offhandedly calling it “networking.” You might experiment with eliminating the term “networking” and replacing it with something you’re enthusiastic about – like spending the evening with like-minded people, building new relationships, or learning new things in your industry.

Second, we can breathe new life into networking by setting the right goals. Consciously, or unconsciously, many people go into networking with the wrong goals: rubbing elbows, boosting their ego, or being seen. No wonder when they think “networking” they roll their eyes. Instead, try going into networking situations with goals revolving around finding people who help you become more effective and proactive, and understanding more about the opportunities around you so that you can be more impactful and successful. Ultimately, the goals of networking have to be aligned to a purpose you find valuable to be effective.

When you go change your perspective about networking and choose the activities that move you forward, onward and upward, you may find yourself no longer rolling your eyes, but rushing instead to build new relationships and advance your career.

For more networking tips for leaders, see my resources and latest book, The New Advantage: How Women in Leadership Can Create Win-Wins for Their Companies and Themselves.

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Don’t Throw the Oars out of the Lifeboat

Adapting to a new reality is hard work. It involves loss and risking incompetence and disorientation and discomfort. People need support to do that.

Those words come from one of the principals of Cambridge Leadership Associates, Marty Linsky, and he should know. He’s an expert in Adaptive Leadership.

During the economic crisis of 2009, Marty noticed that many leaders in failing companies were just trying to survive. Trying to bail themselves out, they frantically threw things overboard. They cut overhead. They fired employees. They cancelled travel. In some cases the things they threw out were the very things they needed to survive.

I’ve noticed the same trend among individual leaders and executives. Frantically trying to do (or keep) their jobs in a tough time, they neglected the support systems that could help them succeed.

Marty was talking with a senior administrator in a large foundation one day. The administrator reported, “The first thing that was cut was professional development for the senior people in the foundation.” In his view, it was “crazy.”

This is the time they really need coaching. Those folks need a structured opportunity to step back from what they’re doing and adjust their skills and adapt their orientation. They need the learning and the strategy. But when people are looking at where to save money, that kind of coaching feels like a frivolous expense.

Sometimes in our haste to manage change, we change the wrong things. We throw the oars out of the lifeboat. That doesn’t lighten the load, it makes you sink.

What do you need to be your best? What keeps you strong? What helps you think? What are the elements of your life that buoy you up?

No matter how busy you are, no matter how crazy life gets, hold onto those oars. That way even if it’s hard you can keep rowing in the direction you want to go.