Joelle K. Jay

Joelle Jay

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Why You Need To Stop Over-apologizing In The Workplace

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  • “I’m sorry I’m late!” 
  • “I’m so sorry to ask you for this.”
  • “I’m sorry I’m not as prepared as I would like to be.”

How many times have you started a sentence with an apology?

For some people, it’s multiple times a day – often without even noticing. Unconsciously, those of us who over-apologize can be weakening our power. Becoming more aware of what for many has simply become a habit can help them gain a more influential communication style, a stronger executive presence, and more respect from the people around us.

Now, let’s acknowledge that a sincere apology holds a special place in our relationships. And even the off-handed “so sorry” (“Sorry to interrupt – I know you’re busy!”) is often merely intended to be polite and kind. But it doesn’t always work in a business setting.

Often I will hear a leader says something like this to a team member:

“I am so sorry to ask you this, but we really need someone to take on this project, and it’s a big one. It might be kind of a challenge, but we really need to impress this client.”

The intent of the leader here may be to connect personally. The leader means, “I know you weren’t expecting this, but I trust you, and you’re the best person for this job.” But the impact may not be what s/he wanted professionally. The team member hears, “She’s apologizing; she doesn’t feel strongly about this and in fact may feel guilty. I’m going to push back on this.” In a business setting, apologizing as a form of communication can come across differently than it may between friends.

Believe it or not, through no intention of your own, starting an ask with an apology may sound insecure, not very convincing, and even a little whiny, and ultimately you’re not going to get the “yes” you’re looking for.

There are three elements of that communication style that are a problem.

  1. The apology itself. In a business setting, “I’m sorry” can immediately put you into a smaller role, suggesting you have done something wrong that you have to apologize for. More often than not, you do not have anything to apologize for, so choose another approach. Raise your awareness of the overuse of the phrase even for one day and you’ll feel the difference!
  2. The explanation. Whatever follows an unnecessary apology invariably is diminished by the apology itself. “I’m sorry, I really would have liked to get this into better shape for you before sharing it” emphasizes that what you’re delivering isn’t very good. Try owning the deliverable just as it is, knowing that it – and you – are fine and valuable as is.
  3. The implication. Between the apology and the explanation lies one more problem: the emotional tone. When you apologize unnecessarily, others get the sense that you think they feel bad, and/or that you feel bad, and so the feeling is…bad.

Let’s see what happens if we rephrase the apology above, ridding ourselves of this apologetic baggage. How about if instead of saying this:

“I am so sorry to ask you this, but we really need someone to take on this project, and it’s a big one. It might be kind of a challenge, but we really need to impress this client.”

…our team leader instead said this?

“Would you please lead our next project? We really need to impress our client, and you have the right skills and talent to do is.”

Now s/he is asking directly, with courage and self-confidence, for something of importance from someone she respects. The apology is gone, the explanation is clear, and the implication is that the leader expects the best – a delivery that leaves the leader and the team member feeling powerful and ready to succeed.

Again, please don’t misunderstand me – many a sincere apology has healed a relationship and righted a wrong, and it should be a valuable communication tool in the right setting. Just save those apologies for when you need them.

In the meantime, without the unconscious or unnecessary apologies…you’ll be communicating like the leader you are.For more ways to improve your power as a leader, and create new advantages for yourself and your company, see Joelle’s book: The New Advantage.

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Email Hacks You Can Master In Minutes

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Have you ever sent an email and not gotten the response you wanted? Maybe you got a negative response – something you intend to have happened. Or maybe you got no response at all. Sometimes when we communicate via email, the intent we have doesn’t match the impact we make.

There are a few simple things that you can use to make your email communication more effective – it’s all about keeping things concise.

One problem with email is that sometimes they are simply too long. If your messages go on line after line, paragraph after paragraph, almost as if someone’s reading a novel, for many people that’s too long. Your email may be perfectly crafted, have a very urgent message and be perfect for you, but if the person at the other end doesn’t read it, it does you no good at all.

Instead, try these email formatting hacks:

  • Communicate in bullet points.
  • Use bold.
  • Make your email succinct – 5 to 10 lines is perfect.

So what if you did those things, but you ran into the problem mentioned above: you sent a succinct, simple email, and for some reason you’ve created bad feelings and the sender responded negatively. This might be because your email’s actually too short – you didn’t say enough. So even though you feel you’ve made an effective use of time with a very brief email, the other person received it as a “barking order” or they weren’t really clear on what you meant. Perhaps you got a response that was incomplete, or you didn’t get a response to your email at all.

Here is a simple formula I learned from my good friend and productivity expert, Meggin McIntosh, the Ph.D. of Productivity, that you can use anytime you write an email to help you be effective in your communication. It’s called:

  • Know
  • Do
  • Feel

In a few simple lines, communicate to the person that the other end what you want them to know, what you want them to do and what you want them to feel. If you communicate in every email, what you want them to know, do and feel in roughly 5-10 lines with clear formatting, you will get the answers you are looking for, and will solve the problem of ineffective email communication.

For more communication tips and personal leadership strategies, see Joelle’s books: The Inner Edge and The New Advantage: How Women In Business Can Create Win-Wins For Their Companies And Themselves.

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Master The Art of Saying No: 10 Effective Ways to Say No

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Women are famous for loading up our workload, especially in the beginning of the year when we see an endless stream of possibilities in front of us, and want to start off the new year coming from a place of yes. The reason why we end up taking on so much if often because we don’t know how to say no.

It’s time to take control back, and learn how to say no without the guilt.

People understand when you get busy; people know that at some point your plate gets full. If you’re able to say no and you do say no, now they know that they need to help you to take some things off your list. You don’t speak up; they’ll just keep adding and adding and adding.

Next time when you’re asked to do something that takes up too much of your time, try one of these effective ways of saying no:

  1. Share your real reason for saying no.
    It might sound something like this: “There is something too much on my list right now, I can see I will not be able to do all this effectively. I need to take something off my list and say no to some opportunities.”
  2.  Refer the opportunity that you don’t want to someone else.
    Pick something on your list and simply find the right person to do that thing for you. It might sound something like this: “I know you’ve been looking for an opportunity, and I have a new project on my list that I would love the opportunity to show it to you to see what you can do with it. I am happy to support you in anyway.”
  3. Only offer what you can manage.
    Try: “I understand you want me to take on the new committee. Thank you for the opportunity. I won’t be able to take on the whole committee, but here’s what I can do.”
  4.  Postpone it for another time.
    “I can see that we have a deadline of next week for the project that needs to be finished. That’s not going to be possible. I do have time opening up at the end of the month. Let’s reschedule it for then.”
  5.  Change your mind.
    “You know, I thought I was going to be able to do this thing for you, and I want to be able to do it, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to change my mind.”
  6. You can gracefully decline.
    “Thank you for the opportunity. I would love to be able to help you. I am afraid I am going to have to decline.”
  7. Announce your decision before it even comes up.
    “I’ve decided for the time being I’m going to focus on the client I have right now and not take on anything new.”
  8.  You could set a limit and stick to it.
    “I’ve found that what works for me to best serve my clients is to have no more than 10 clients at a time. That’s how many I can gracefully handle and make sure that I attend to to the best of my ability.”
  9. Remember, no is a complete sentence.
    Try this – the next time someone asks you to do something that you can’t, and you don’t want to do, simply say “no.”
  10. Simply press delete.
    Just because someone may have requested you doesn’t mean that you have to respond.

Only you know how big your list can get before you can’t handle any more tasks. You can use these 10 suggestions to take some things of that list, and get a little bit of sanity back in your life.

For more ways to take charge of your success and career, see Joelle’s book: The Inner Edge.

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Reaching Your Goals Through Affirmative Messages

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We know language is very powerful – but what about the language we use with ourselves? You can harness the power of language to change your thinking and change your life.

With one simple change in your thinking, you can start to use the power of language to get what you want: focus on affirmative thinking.

Affirmative thinking is constantly reinforcing what you want.

Compare that to negative messaging, which is confirming what you don’t want.

Consciously or unconsciously, we too often lean toward the negative. “I should not have a second piece of cake.” “I’m trying to give up gossiping.” But that simply has us constantly emphasizing and thinking about the very thing we’re trying to get away from!

In affirmative thinking, we instead think about what we want, over and over, to create a new track: “I want to stay fit and healthy.” “I’m remembering to focus on the good in people.”

Go easy on yourself as you get started; it takes time to adjust our thinking. Just pay attention to the words going through your mind, and if you catch yourself in negative thinking, practice changing those thoughts to the affirmative.

For example, let’s say you hear yourself saying, “I’m trying to cut back on caffeine.” As soon as you recognize the negative message, turn it around and say it again in the affirmative. An alternative might be, “I’ll choose herbal tea instead.” Always look for the affirmative message. On a daily basis, if you pay an attention to the messages you’re sending to yourself, you may find a number of  negative messages, focusing on the problem, worrying about the challenges, looking at what’s not going well, scaring yourself about what you can’t do and don’t do well. The negative messages scroll through our head so unconsciously, but they are constantly reinforcing negative messages.

Train yourself to listen to your thoughts. Think of those negative thoughts, that little grumbling running around your head, as trying to sabotage the success you want for yourself. When you see them, sweep them all away and remember to replace them what you want.

Even though on the surface they sound like the same message, one of them reinforces what you are trying to do. Always choose an affirmative message. If you’re talking to your boss, say “I want a raise,” instead of, “I haven’t had a raise in three years.”

Or, if you’re talking with someone you work with, say, “I want you to write this report,” instead of, “you haven’t even written that report.”

Always ask yourself: What is the affirmative message? Yes, you may have problems, maybe a challenge you may not be sure of going to do well, but what do you want? “I want to do well.”

Now you have the makings of an affirmative message. Can you hear how quickly you can shift from negative, self-defeating, downward spiral to positive message? “I’m going to do well.” Say that over and over in your head and you have an affirmation that eventually becomes reality.

For more ways to create a win-win for yourself, and your company, see Joelle’s most recent book: The New Advantage.

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How to Develop Your Inner Edge: An Interview with Skip Prichard

“If you want to be your best, you need to build on what’s brilliant about you.” -Joelle Jay

Leading On the Edge

Dr. Joelle K. Jay is an expert in personal leadership.  She has coached executives in numerous companies, written several books and numerous articles, and is a principle with the Leadership Research Institute, a global leadership development firm.

Reading Dr. Jay’s new book, The Inner Edge: The 10 Practices of Personal Leadership,  I felt like I had hired a personal leadership coach.  She shares practices and principles that are enduring.  I had the opportunity to ask her a few questions to introduce her thinking to you.

 

“Better leadership equals better results – higher profits, bigger market share and a global advantage.” -Joelle Jay

 

What does it mean to lead on the edge?

“Leading on the edge” is about challenging ourselves to take the leadership position in our own lives – pushing ourselves not to sit back and hope for things to happen but getting out in front and making them happen with our own intent and effort.

 

“Most true happiness comes from one’s inner life.” -William Shirer

 

What are some of the benefits of mastering personal leadership?

I believe that everyone is a leader – if not the leader of a team or a company, at the very least the leader of his or her own life.  Strong companies have learned that better leadership equals better results – higher profits, bigger market share and a global advantage.  Personal leadership helps us get the results we want for ourselves – a more fulfilling career, a more rewarding experience, a happier life.

TheInnerEdge_CoverYour book outlines ten practices of personal leadership. Let’s discuss a few of them. The first is “get clarity.”  How do you help leaders understand who they are and where they want to go?

 I recently heard a speaker say, “Clarity is   everything.  Confusion is the enemy.”  In our  fractured and distracted world, leaders need to learn to cut through the noise to hear their own voice.  They do this by asking themselves powerful questions – chief among them, “What do I want?” When leaders can get clear about what they want, they can outline the steps to get there.

 

Tap Into Your Brilliance

I love “Tap into your brilliance” because I am often amazed at people’s strengths.  How does a leader encourage an environment where everyone is operating in the strong zone?

 

 

“Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” -Confucius

 

When leaders learn to leverage their strengths, they positively burst into action. Suddenly their efforts are infused with energy as they discover they can finally do things their way – the way that comes naturally to them and the way they do them best. That has a contagious quality, so strengths-based leaders are naturally encouraged by their own successes to help the people around them – their managers, direct reports, their teams – to organize their activities around the strengths in the group. It’s a more satisfying experience for everyone – but more than that, it’s also far more effective.

“See possibility” is another practice. One technique you call is “Let it be easy.” Would you elaborate on this practice for us?

10 Practices of Personal Leadership

  1. Get clarity.
  2. Find focus.
  3. Take action.
  4. Tap into your brilliance.
  5. Feel fulfillment.
  6. Maximize your time.
  7. Build your team.
  8. Keep learning.
  9. See possibility.
  10. All. All at once.

Especially for highly-driven achievers, goal-attainment is all about making it happen.  That can be exhausting.  Sometimes a better answer can be found by sitting back and observing, watching for patterns, being open to opportunities. The answers may simply present themselves.

To give one example, a client of mine who was toiling endlessly to try to get herself promoted worked herself into a frenzy of activity with no result.  She decided to stop pressing so hard for a while.  When she did, she was able to see a unique and exciting opportunity (that she had been ignoring) as a possibility.  Maybe this was actually an opportunity she’d enjoy.  She opened her mind to the idea, and soon she found herself being swept into a new adventure in her career that not only got her promoted but led to a renewed sense of enthusiasm.  It all happened when she stopped trying so hard and took advantage of the opportunity before her.  She let it happen.  She let it be easy.

 

 

“Good leaders are, by definition, voracious learners.” -Jack Welch

 

 

“Take the complexity out. Make it simple.” -Howard Putnam

 

Time to Re-energize

Leaders need time to reflect and re-energize.  Would you share just one technique that you have seen work for busy, overworked professionals?

The easiest – and also, sometimes, the hardest – shortcut to peace is to power down.  We power down when we literally turn off the power of our devices to distract us.  (Yes, that smart phone has an “off” button.)  We also power down when we unplug ourselves by closing our eyes for a moment and sitting in silence. Take a few minutes to close the door and rest for a moment.  Give yourself the gift of a few minutes of solitude.  Gaze out the window or walk into the yard.  Even amidst the constant din of daily life, we can find a sense of peace by shutting off all the input and reconnecting with ourselves.

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The 5 Ds

Do you have a stack?

You know the one. The stack of files waiting for your attention. The stack of messages. The stack of emails in your inbox.

How will you ever get through them you wonder? Never fear – You now have a solution. Allow me to introduce to you “The 5 Ds.”

I originally learned the 5 Ds come from business coach Kevin Lawrence, and they go like this:

1. Do It
2. Delete It
3. Delegate It
4. Decide on It
5. Date It

The “it” in this case is usually some small task or action item. Every time you have to get through a stack of email, a stack of paper, a stack of voice mail messages, or just stacks and stacks of work, The 5 Ds work especially well. You will drastically cut the time you need to get through the stack, and you can then get to the other high-impact activities that make the best use of your time.

Do It means do it now. Use this for any task that takes fifteen minutes or less.

Delete It means there are some things that do not require your response. Just because someone sent you the message/document/suggestion doesn’t mean you have to reply. If an item doesn’t advance a relationship or achieve an important goal, get rid of it.

Delegate It means pass it on to someone else who can handle the job. They don’t have to do it better than you; they don’t even have to do it as well or as fast. They probably won’t. But unless it’s a top priority or specific result that you and only you can deliver, you’re not the right person. Pass it on. Don’t abdicate the responsibility; you still need to be sure the task gets done. This is not a game of hot potato. It’s a way of reorganizing work so the right people do the appropriate jobs for maximum efficiency and results.

Decide On It means no more moving items from one stack to another, telling yourself, “I’ll get back to that.” Will you attend the meeting or won’t you? Will you agree to that request or won’t you? Make a decision. Move on.

Date It means you get to choose when you will give big-ticket items your undivided time and attention. Figure out how much time you need and block it out in your schedule. You can forget about it until then.

Exercise

Write a mini-version of the 5 Ds on a sticky note and put it near a stack of papers, projects, emails or administrative tasks. Set aside some time to tackle the tasks using the 5 Ds. Notice how the 5s cut down the time it takes to finish the tasks.

The ideas in this article are drawn from The Inner Edge: The 10 Practices of Personal Leadership and the accompanying eBook called The Extension. The eBook is designed to give you simple, engaging personal leadership exercises and activities to help you be a better leader, and lead a better life. Get your copy today! Click here for a Preview and to Order.

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Where is the Secret of Happiness Hidden?

There’s an ancient Hindu story about the gods arguing over where they should keep the secret of happiness. Afraid that humans didn’t deserve or couldn’t handle this secret, they debated where to hide it. At first they considered putting at the top of a high, high mountain, but reasoned that humans would eventually be able to find it. Likewise, they might find it in the darkest forests or at the bottom of the ocean. Finally, an idea struck one of the gods:

“I know the perfect place. We will hide the secret of happiness in the deepest depths of their own hearts. They will never bother to look there.”

The question, “What fulfills you and makes you happy?” is one of the central questions in the book, The Inner Edge: The 10 Practices of Personal Leadership. To learn more, go to www.TheInnerEdge.com. You’ll find an overview of the book, endorsements by such thought leaders as Marshall Goldsmith and Stephen Covey, and more.

It’s not easy to find the secret of happiness and fulfillment. But you have the ability to do it; the answer lies within you.

 

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The Value of Values

Values are the cornerstone of fulfillment. When you live in alignment with your values, you experience harmony. When you live out of synch with your values, you experience dissonance and stress. But how do you even find out what your values really are?

Here’s an exercise you can try to discern what’s really important to you, way down deep.

  1. Mine for your values. Think of a time in your life when everything was just right. What was true for you at that time?
  1. Identify the values that were being honored at that time. What was present that was so meaningful as to make it a memorable time?
  1. Work with those values a bit more. Name them, define them, rank them.

With this kind of thought process, you can get a preliminary list of the values that make your life worth living. You can use your newfound clarity about those values to make better decisions and align your life to what really matters in your heart.

To take this values clarification process further, you might be interested in participating in a FREE visualization exercise I’ve posted on my website. You will hear me guiding you in my own voice through the visualization in Step 1 above, which will help you connect more deeply to your ideal experience and uncover the values more easily.

Here’s how to find it. Go to www.TheInnerEdge.com and click on Worksheets and Audios (on the left). Scroll down and find the FREE audio called The Values Visualization Audio. You can get started immediately!

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Let Them Hit You

When you go looking for feedback, do you get feedback from the people who will give you the bad news?

Go ahead. Let them hit you.

Don’t worry – it’s not as bad as you think. Actually, one of the smartest things we can do is to ask for feedback from the people who don’t think all that much of us. The ones who are mad at us. Who are thorns in our side.

It’s not just because you’re going to get an enlightening perspective. (And oh, you will!) It’s also because the simple act of asking for feedback can improve the relationship.

Says Dave Norton, a senior vice president at The New York Times,

It’s so disarming. When you turn around and ask feedback from the people who wreck havoc in your world, it facilitates dialogue. It’s hard to be mad at someone who’s genuinely asking you for your opinion. Just the act of asking communicates trust.

When you go to look for feedback, ask yourself, who around me will give me the best feedback? Who will give me the worst? Who will give me a perspective I’ve probably never heard before?

Then go ask them. Easiest way: ask three questions.

  • What am I doing that’s working?
  • What am I doing that’s not working?
  • What one thing do you think I should work on to improve?

You may find those enemies were on your side all along.

Did you enjoy this profile? You may be interested in the eCourse, Getting an Edge: 21 Ways World Class Leaders Share Their Secrets for Leading and Living Well. Each of 21 profiles just like this one comes in a separate email – once a day for 21 days. Click here for more information.

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Beliefs of a Leader

Your beliefs are a powerful driving force that can work for you or against you. Some beliefs empower you, while others limit you. By becoming aware of your beliefs, you can keep the ones that serve you, weed out the ones that don’t, and choose the ones that will support who you want to be.

Here’s an example. A common belief of busy leaders is, “I have to work hard to get ahead.” Immediately the limitations of this belief are apparent. Working from this belief implies that you must sacrifice parts of your life (home life, health, and hobbies come to mind) to “get ahead.”

Now consider this belief instead: “I have to be my best to get ahead.” This belief is more empowering, because it opens up the possibilities. It still accepts the potential for working hard if that is what’s required, but it also allows for the fact that getting ahead sometimes means taking time for the rest and renewal that keeps you at your best.

An example can illustrate how to turn a limiting belief into an empowering belief. Andy was the president of a structural engineering firm who was raised to believe that if you compliment people too much, they become lazy. He was afraid to commend his team, because he believed that to do so would take away all motivation. His belief limited his ability to praise the people who worked for him, and they were becoming bitter and resentful.

To turn the situation around, Andy studied his limiting belief:

“If I praise people too much, they will become lazy.”

As long as he believed this, he would never be the supportive leader his firm needed. He could see that unless he tried something new, he was going to lose support. He tried this empowering belief instead:

“If I praise people more, they will become inspired.”

Andy rehearsed his new belief by trying it out 100 times. Every time he hesitated to praise someone, he stated his empowering belief to himself and gave them a sincere compliment. Before long, the results – a more agreeable, cooperative staff – convinced him to retain the new belief.

Beliefs are fundamental to the way your life plays out. The difference between a limiting and an empowering belief is quite literally the difference between a limited and a powerful life. Choose your beliefs carefully. They make you who you are.

Developing empowering beliefs is a three-step process.

  1. Become aware of your beliefs. You can go after them directly by asking yourself, “What do I believe,” or you can go after them directly by noticing your behavior and asking yourself, “What would I have to believe to behave this way?”
  2. Write down your beliefs. Take a look at them on paper with some objectivity. For each one, ask yourself, Is this belief limiting or empowering?
  3. Turn limiting beliefs into empowering beliefs. Just change the words, looking for the exact opposite of your limiting belief to find one that’s more empowering.

The process of distilling your beliefs takes time. Allow yourself time to try on different beliefs and see what fits and what doesn’t. Notice when you feel limited and deflated, and when you feel expansive and energized. Keep working with the wording of your beliefs until you’ve created the ones that you can claim with conviction—the beliefs that will help you be the leader you really want to be.

 

Exercise
Use the Your Beliefs worksheet in The Extension to identify a few beliefs that guide your thinking and actions. Assess them. Are they limiting or empowering? How could you develop new beliefs to help you achieve your vision?

The ideas in this article are drawn from The Inner Edge: The 10 Practices of Personal Leadership and the accompanying eBook called The Extension. The eBook is designed to give you simple, engaging personal leadership exercises and activities to help you be a better leader, and lead a better life. Get your copy today! Click here for a Preview and to Order.